me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
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The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.