I know things are hard right now but I find comfort in the way we all quietly began using scrunchies again
Me: This date is going well
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
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My son just turned on my parents radio and said ‘hey, Google!’ Perplexed that it didn’t respond.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.