Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Me: This date is going well
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
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We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
*I see a guy with a shark tooth necklace*
ME: Holy shit, that’s sharpest part of a shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
Mark my words, the amount of candles I’m gonna burn tonight is going to make ISIS think long and hard before doing any more terrorism.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time*
Me: SHUT UP
*dog barks at burglar, one time*
Me: It’s like he just knew there was danger
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
French child going down a slide: yyyeeeeesss
My life would have been very different had I done anything with the same intensity as brushing my teeth on the day of a dentist appointment.