Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
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if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.