@ArfMeasures

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

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@House_Feminist

I know things are hard right now but I find comfort in the way we all quietly began using scrunchies again

@benedictevans

My son just turned on my parents radio and said ‘hey, Google!’ Perplexed that it didn’t respond.

@MelvinofYork

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

@stevevsninjas

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

@chrisanna4real

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

@Daveastated

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

@drewjanda

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

@ninjadinosaur1

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.