@ArfMeasures

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

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@TeejayRush

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

@thenatewolf

*I see a guy with a shark tooth necklace*

ME: Holy shit, that’s sharpest part of a shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

@Ray_stephan

A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.

@GodfreyElfwick

Mark my words, the amount of candles I’m gonna burn tonight is going to make ISIS think long and hard before doing any more terrorism.

@maebemarbles

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

@WritePlay

*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time*

Me: SHUT UP

*dog barks at burglar, one time*

Me: It’s like he just knew there was danger

@2tickytacky

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

@thatdutchperson

My life would have been very different had I done anything with the same intensity as brushing my teeth on the day of a dentist appointment.