Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

You Might Also Like


I know things are hard right now but I find comfort in the way we all quietly began using scrunchies again


My son just turned on my parents radio and said ‘hey, Google!’ Perplexed that it didn’t respond.


The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”


Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.


My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.




To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.


It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found


No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.