Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
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we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.