True.
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Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.