“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
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[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
My kids: what are we having for…
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you