me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
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How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
But wait…
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.