me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
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Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
wtf is an acronym
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection