me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
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A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
even bears disappoint their mothers
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.