Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
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I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
For cardio I live beyond my means.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me