me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
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“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”