I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Me: this horror movie is completely unrealistic.
Me: the main characters are so stupid look at them walking into an obvious trap.
Wife: shut up and watch
Me: bet she’s a witch and he was under a spell the whole ti-
Wife: ffs it’s our wedding video!
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It’s impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store
He thought I wore a size two.
A size two?!
I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.
Bad: Getting bit by a spider…
Worse: …inside your mouth…
Worst: …while making out with someone.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
[after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn]
ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…