@nyquills

Me: this horror movie is completely unrealistic.

Wife: shhh

Me: the main characters are so stupid look at them walking into an obvious trap.

Wife: shut up and watch

Me: bet she’s a witch and he was under a spell the whole ti-

Wife: ffs it’s our wedding video!

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@chopper4jk

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

@twelveoclocke

It’s impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store

@_sleepysmile

He thought I wore a size two.

A size two?!

I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.

@SteelFontana

Bad: Getting bit by a spider…
Worse: …inside your mouth…
Worst: …while making out with someone.

@ThisOneSayz

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

@emily_murnane

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

@trojansauce

[after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn]
ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this

@envydatropic

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

@markleggett

If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones.

@causticbob

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…