me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Me: this horror movie is completely unrealistic.
Me: the main characters are so stupid look at them walking into an obvious trap.
Wife: shut up and watch
Me: bet she’s a witch and he was under a spell the whole ti-
Wife: ffs it’s our wedding video!
You Might Also Like
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.
[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Her: I like smart guys
Me [eats soup with a fork & pretends I understood Interstellar]: thats what happens if u get stuck behind a bookcase
I don’t even understand Fantasy Football.
There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks.
I call bullshit.
Yes, autocorrect, I live you too.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Friend: You look tired
Me: It’s been a long life