@nyquills

Me: this horror movie is completely unrealistic.

Wife: shhh

Me: the main characters are so stupid look at them walking into an obvious trap.

Wife: shut up and watch

Me: bet she’s a witch and he was under a spell the whole ti-

Wife: ffs it’s our wedding video!

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@Kendragarden

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

@BromanConsul

“It doesn’t say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see,” I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library

@lizetagge

Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.

@ixix82

Me: “Relax. Make conversation, let them get to know you.”
Also Me: “The longest tape worm ever found inside a human body was 82′ in length.”

@InternetHippo

Frankly it’s disgusting that you would engage in character assassination by correctly describing to people something I did in the past

@heymonroe

Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.

@TheBoydP

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

@Anon_imosity

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. Not a great gift I know, but you should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it

@KevinFarzad

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.