I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
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Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.