me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
You Might Also Like
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.