ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
You Might Also Like
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.