ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
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I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.