@NoTheOtherJohn

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

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@causticbob

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

@stacywawa1

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

@ChickenColeman

Atheists swear they not going to hell just cuz they don’t believe in it. nigga I don’t believe in having a job but I still go to work

@Tups13

Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: Oh.

@Bunnydurden

If you ever Google “Grandfather Clock”, be careful how you spell that shit.

@theshantilly

“I’m supes scared & all alone & in my underwear. What’s that noise in the basement? I should totes go check it out.”

– Virgins tonight

@DitzMcGeee

[grocery shopping]

her: ma’am, can I help you?
me: I’m just waitin for church
her: for what? ma’am are…
*produce sprinkler turns on*
me: shh! It’s time, lettuce spray.
her: [bows head respectfully]

@my_minivan_life

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

@StellaRtwot

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.