Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
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The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Thursday Thought.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
“That’s what” – She
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.