Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
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My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
My plans: 2020:
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp