@rebrafsim

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

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@Deltamel1

Happy death anniversary to Library paste man, an inspiration to us all

@RachelWenitsky

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

@delusions_of

The guy at the urinal next to me doesn’t appreciate my theories on “Game of Thrones”.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Drunk me used to set a “Mystery Alarm” on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me

@Parker_Simpson

Took a screenshot with my iPhone with the intention of texting a picture of my cracked screen.So the answer is no I didn’t graduate college.

@o__0Dev

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

@lisaxy424

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

@Just_Beachy72

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

@BobTheSuit

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.