Happy death anniversary to Library paste man, an inspiration to us all
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
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TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
The guy at the urinal next to me doesn’t appreciate my theories on “Game of Thrones”.
Drunk me used to set a “Mystery Alarm” on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me
Took a screenshot with my iPhone with the intention of texting a picture of my cracked screen.So the answer is no I didn’t graduate college.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Greatest headline of the day:
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.