Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
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15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.