me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
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Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs