me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
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So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
They did not miss in the small print
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
me adding lol on a serious message
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.