Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
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her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk
I can’t even make this up
16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
You two, right there. You don’t know it yet, but you’ll be coming home with me.
*points at hotel towels*