@House_Feminist

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

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@ArfMeasures

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

@clichedout

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

@roxiqt

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

@TweetPotato314

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

@lovemydogduck

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

@TheQuietPsycho

When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk

I can’t even make this up

@tonygootana

16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.

@TheAlexNevil

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

@Jarhead44

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

@BuiltToTopple

You two, right there. You don’t know it yet, but you’ll be coming home with me.

*points at hotel towels*