Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
You Might Also Like
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
work smarter, not harder
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out