me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?