[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
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If you see a white guy in earbuds convulsing angrily with T. Rex arms, don’t freak out. I’m just jamming out to Eminem.
I love it when the doctor’s office asks me if I’ve been out of the country like I’m super rich or have Ebola.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Says here on your resume that you’re unpredictable.
(I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman)
“That’s a rumor”.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead