ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
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me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Reporter: *ports again*
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.