ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
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For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
The 6 types of sex
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I’d use my best pan on you.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’