@ArfMeasures

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

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@AwkwardTwitts

“Wow, you’re tall.. Do you play basketball?” “Wow, you’re short. Do you play mini golf?”

@aparnapkin

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

@DosieDoe

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

@theabstractass

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

@jan_rtr

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

@girlwit0filter

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

@NintenDom

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

@mrjohntofu

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

@i_Lean

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.