“Wow, you’re tall.. Do you play basketball?” “Wow, you’re short. Do you play mini golf?”
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
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picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Why is everything so sticky?
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.