ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

You Might Also Like


“Wow, you’re tall.. Do you play basketball?” “Wow, you’re short. Do you play mini golf?”


picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet


I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.


Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.


My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?


Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.


I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.


Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.


When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.