@ArfMeasures

Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people

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@Donna_McCoy

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

@BizarreLazar

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

@SocialExtortion

How many drinks do I buy a girl if I want her to come home with me and clean up my room?

@Gooooats

Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

@Shade510

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

@KatieBurnett

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

@TheBoydP

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

@bourgeoisalien

I’m sorry I asked if your toddler is a skinhead, but in my defense he is bald and always disproportionately angry.

@trevso_electric

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”