@ArfMeasures

Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people

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@GinGander

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

@Matt_The_1st

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

@ThePaigeRandall

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

@lizetagge

I just ran over a dog. At first I felt bad, but then I realized it was my Ex…

@TheHyyyype

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real

@ericonederful

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

@TheBoydP

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

@DrakeGatsby

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

@TheAlexNevil

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.