Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
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He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
“you recording!?”
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Is this a threat?
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.