Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
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Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Jail
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
BRO LMFAO
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.