You know you’re high when you take a hilarious shower.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
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assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
A little girl with green hair chalk just asked me if my hair was dyed for Halloween. When I told her it was green year round she turned to her dad and screamed:
“YOU SAID GREEN HAIR WAS ILLEGAL AFTER HALLOWEEN! WHY DID YOU LIE?!”
There are so many scary things in life:
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.