@Ideal_Victoria

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

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@leobunty

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

@seanscrap

Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine.

@sarcasticmommy4

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

@bjcolangelo

A little girl with green hair chalk just asked me if my hair was dyed for Halloween. When I told her it was green year round she turned to her dad and screamed:

“YOU SAID GREEN HAIR WAS ILLEGAL AFTER HALLOWEEN! WHY DID YOU LIE?!”

@liv_thatsme

There are so many scary things in life:
-fear
-hate
-murder
-injustice
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”

@The_Amazon_Eve

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

@thatcarlygirl

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

@sunexplode

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.