Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
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gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.