@andlikelaura

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

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@FunnyBison

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

@djdarrellripley

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

@TheAlexNevil

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

@amazymay72x

LIES! STOP THE LIES!

-My reply to my husband whenever he tells me he’s gonna “repair that”.

@skittle624

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

@LosLos__

They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.

@sunexplode

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

@JohnLyonTweets

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”