BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
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Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
LIES! STOP THE LIES!
-My reply to my husband whenever he tells me he’s gonna “repair that”.
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
Me: I love you.
Her: I love DuckTales.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”