Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

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BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*


Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?


There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.



-My reply to my husband whenever he tells me he’s gonna “repair that”.


State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.


They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.


Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.


“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”