You Might Also Like

@elunatyk

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

@squidswards

Teachers are sometimes like an alarm clock. They won’t shut up when you’re trying to sleep.

@Brampersandon_

“Sir u have a hernia”
“Haha c’mon doc don’t u mean a HISnea?”
“No I meant hern-”
“Im obviously a guy. How did u even get a medical license?”

@panmidwest

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

@mrjohndarby

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

@generaldietz

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

@nayele18maybe

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

@beefman138

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

@junejuly12

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

@timdonakowski

Want the secret to success?
Want 2x the energy without having to diet?
Want to add 20 years to your life?
Want less shoulder hair?

Me too.