@markedly

ME: This man’s robbing me
COP: No he’s not
M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber’s hand on wallet* come on why aren’t you robbing now

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@krustythe_klown

I’m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with me when I get Alzheimer’s

@TheTweetOfGod

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

@mack44_d

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

@DaddyJew

7: I didn’t do my homework

Me: why not?

7: they told us to write about the new president

Me: so?

7: you told me not to cuss

@MaryJustice86

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

@amydillon

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

@minfiliawarde

me: hi
english person: you mean you don’t have SNELLYDORF HUFFLEDAMS? WHERE DO YOU PUT YOUR BROOKENSHIRES
me: Aight man have a good day

@3sunzzz

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.