In a land with no pockets, the man with the fanny pack is king.
ME: This man’s robbing me
COP: No he’s not
M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber’s hand on wallet* come on why aren’t you robbing now
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I’m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with me when I get Alzheimer’s
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
7: I didn’t do my homework
Me: why not?
7: they told us to write about the new president
7: you told me not to cuss
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
english person: you mean you don’t have SNELLYDORF HUFFLEDAMS? WHERE DO YOU PUT YOUR BROOKENSHIRES
me: Aight man have a good day
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.