I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
ME: This man’s robbing me
COP: No he’s not
M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber’s hand on wallet* come on why aren’t you robbing now
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14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. I REPEAT. INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. HOLD THE DUCKFACES. HOLD THE MEALS. HOLD EVERYTHING.
Yes, in fact I DO know what it’s like to bleed like crazy once a month. That’s my flossing schedule.