[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
ME: This man’s robbing me
COP: No he’s not
M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber’s hand on wallet* come on why aren’t you robbing now
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*petting a dog*
So how long have you been blind, officer?
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Nothing cures a hangover like a positive pregnancy test.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.