My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
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Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.