@markedly

ME: This man’s robbing me
COP: No he’s not
M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber’s hand on wallet* come on why aren’t you robbing now

You Might Also Like

@nbadag

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

@Mr_Kapowski

*petting a dog*

So how long have you been blind, officer?

*gets arrested*

@ipalatsky

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

@VodkaTiem

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

@robotrowboat

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

@SortaBad

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

@JohnLyonTweets

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

@RideSallyRide69

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

@ramblinma

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.