I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
You Might Also Like
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Happy thanksgiving
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.