“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
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“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to