Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
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all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.