Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

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[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page


Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.


robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no


Wild horses could definitely drag me away. Tame horses could too. A slightly muscular hamster probably could drag me away at this point.


If God had a sense of humor, he would have asked Noah to bring a pair of termites on board.


I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them


Coronavirus is too radical. America needs a more moderate virus that we can respond to incrementally.


The main reason Santa is so jovial is cuz he knows where all the bad girls live.


[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities


“Ok Noah, that’s 2 of everything! Did I see a 3rd sheep in your office tho?”


“Yea I did, it had lipstick on?”

Nope, raise the anchor