Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
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Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.