Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
You Might Also Like
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
same energy
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da