[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
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At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
My twittercide will be like the final scene in BraveHeart but a doughnut will fall from my hand in slowmo instead of an embroidered hanky.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
cotton farmer (looking toward sky): good we need the rain
candy cotton farmer (running toward field): oh shit oh shit oh shit