ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

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[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*


me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*


Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account


At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.


horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!


My twittercide will be like the final scene in BraveHeart but a doughnut will fall from my hand in slowmo instead of an embroidered hanky.


Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?


I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.


My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.


Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door



cotton farmer (looking toward sky): good we need the rain

candy cotton farmer (running toward field): oh shit oh shit oh shit