Biden: this is takin forever and build-a-bear is gonna close soon
Obama: joe let me finish my speech or you’ll get no tv for a week
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
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Somebody wrote “wash me” on my car. I’m so lazy, I just wrote “no” under it.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Neck Tattoos: helping employers make hiring decisions since 1992.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.