Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@roostermustache

Biden: this is takin forever and build-a-bear is gonna close soon

Obama: joe let me finish my speech or you’ll get no tv for a week

Biden:

@pmclellan

Somebody wrote “wash me” on my car. I’m so lazy, I just wrote “no” under it.

@GroovyTasia

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

@FrancescaDykes

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

@TingyS

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

@hazelmotes1

Neck Tattoos: helping employers make hiring decisions since 1992.

@Thrill_Tweeter

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

@tornebrook

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

@JB4Realz

Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.

@mela_shea

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.