Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
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I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down