Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
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SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
#merica
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*