Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
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You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.