Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
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hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Every work call, he judges.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.