me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
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9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
How is it still this week?
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.