Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

Saturday

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry