the only bumper sticker ill allow
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My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I have no passwords left in me
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
If only
You’re the water to my grease fire.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”