@UncleDuke1969

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

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@johnnyw1981

As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.

@amydillon

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

@Sickayduh

“Ma’am, you had twins. They are fine and your boyfriend Chad named them”
– Oh no
“This is Debra”
– aww I like that
“And this is Depanties”

@McGrumpenstein

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

@stizod

When it comes to telling a joke, opportunity Knock Knocks. #jokes

@GrantTanaka

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

@Sassafrantz

[Ghost Hunters]
This ghost is a male, probably in his 40’s
-how’d u figure that out?
He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up

@DeadLioness

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

@shawnspree

You know she loves you when you wakeup in a pool of ice in the motel room bathtub with only one kidney removed.