Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
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Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.