Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
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date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Happy Taco Tuesday
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.