The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
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“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
i did the math
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*