Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Me: [throwing another failed entree onto the floor] make it again!
Stuart Little: please, i’m not who you think i am my name is stu-
Me: [grabbing him by his tiny shirt] make it again rat chef
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Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
(with Cheeto stained lips)
Me: That’s my signature.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.