Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
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Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Dishonest mechanic?
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then